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Baloney and Hogwash!






I would like to take this opportunity to thank the formidable and terrible powers behind S.C.U.B.A. for allowing me to join this illustrious society. I promise to uphold the bylaws and protocols, whatever they may be. I have lost my glasses and am unable to read the reams of fine print on my contract. Ahem.

In other news, I must say, never in my entire 6 years of life, have I heard such balderdash. Such grandiosity! So many untruths, so little time.

I do not have the time nor the fortitude to address every factual error in our esteemed but obviously addled friend's retelling of how we met.

#1. I am indeed, a doctor and quite a good one at that. However, Rich did not require Cardio-thorasic surgery, or any other surgery for that matter.

#2. Purple was not present when we met. He was visiting family in Borneo.

#3. I met Rich at a rather sophisticated establishment in Thailand, where he was enjoying a professionally choreographed show. I refuse to say what I was doing there, except that it involved a dog and pony and monkey show, which is no longer running... due to some misadventure involving a chicken and some marbles. Ahem.

#4. The banana from which I saved Rich, did not lodge in his left ventricle, or any other ventricle for that matter. Said banana was already peeled before it began its ignominious flight towards our braggart friend. For reasons still unclear to me, Rich's mouth was ajar. Actually, it was hanging open, but let's not quibble over syntax.

The naked banana, having been propelled from an orifice not intentionally designed for bananas, hurled itself into Rich's gaping maw. He immediately began to choke and sputter and wave his arms around, (thus knocking unconscious several waitresses, but I digress...).

Fortunately, I was able to swing gracefully through the crowded room, until I landed ever so gently and adroitly on Rich's shoulder. I dislodged said banana and promptly disposed of it.

Thus ends the tale.

I hope you will all forgive Rich for his outlandish and brash fashioning of the story. After all, it's all water under the bridge. Spilled milk, etc. etc. Thank you for your time.


Your friend and colleague,
Monkey

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Posted by Monkey at 1:48 PM
12 Comments:
  •   At 4/25/2007 3:15 PM, Blogger Jessica said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.



  •   At 4/25/2007 3:18 PM, Blogger Calzone said...
    I still think of you that night Monkey. I'd never seen anyone do anything like that to a chicken before.

    Although I've seen Rich do all sorts of sick shit since.

    Man that dude knows how to party.



  •   At 4/25/2007 6:43 PM, Anonymous Rich said...
    What... I... that's... oh... GLACK

    You obviously didn't read the bylaws Monkey, you're soooo gunna get booted out. Shortest membership ever!



  •   At 4/25/2007 7:12 PM, Blogger Bathroom Hippo said...

    Bob Dole saved Gyro's life...and that's why he's in...and he's been here for quite awhile.

    Of course I'm thinking about booting Dole in a few weeks.

    Not anything to do with bananas of course.

    In a week finals will be over and I will have more time to blog! Yay.



  •   At 4/25/2007 7:36 PM, Anonymous Rich said...
    Yeah, I finish my finals soon too. True, they're for a dancing position at Misty Agogo's (a place I have NEVER been, or will NEVER admit to have been) but they're still considered pretty important.

    Unfortunately when I finish I wont have time to blog. The boss says that I only get one day off a month and that should be used for medical checks.



  •   At 4/25/2007 8:19 PM, Blogger Gyrobo said...
    Oh, right...

    Finals.



  •   At 4/25/2007 9:28 PM, Blogger Monkey said...
    Calzone ~ What on earth are you babbling about? We taught the chicken to play marbles, it mistook one for birdfeed and died. The owner of the establishment put it in a Ceasar Salad with Chicken and some visiting dignitary broke a tooth.

    I had nothing to do with it.



    Rich ~ I imagine I had better find my glasses. But truly, did you read your contract all the way through? I was shocked to discover 8 FedEx trucks in my drive, delivering merely the fine print.


    Bathroom Hippo ~ Shall I peruse the archives to read the tale of derring do that involves Mr. Dole and Gyrobo?

    I thought saving a member's life guaranteed LIFE membership. Or is it just 20 to life? I get so confused.

    I will pray for you while you finish finals. Maybe I'll share some bananas too....

    what am I saying??



    Rich ~ I'm so pleased you found gainful employment at Misty's! Those medical checks are rather important. Best to put them on your calendar (every 14 days), so as not to forget.

    Ahem.



    Gyrobo ~ You look ill again! Will I be called upon to save yet another member's life?

    How exciting!



  •   At 4/26/2007 12:24 AM, Anonymous Rich said...
    Of course I read all my contract, the last time I didn't read a contract properly I ended up doing a stint as the Dark UnderLord. And I think we can all remember how that ended... badly!

    Mind you, it was were I learnt to party Calzone style.



  •   At 4/26/2007 9:33 AM, Blogger Dino aka Katy said...
    i am sure glad you cleared that up



  •   At 4/26/2007 8:13 PM, Blogger jin said...
    WELCOME Monkey!!!

    I heard hipposex gets you in for 3 lifetimes.

    NO! I said I heard.

    Quit looking at me like that!
    :-P



  •   At 4/26/2007 8:22 PM, Anonymous Rich said...
    Yeah, that's how I got in... the only problem with it is that you have to have sex with a Hippo.



  •   At 4/27/2007 10:43 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...
    Did you see my ex-husband or his wife in that bar in Thailand?

    I'm pretty sure that's where he met her.



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